13th Felsite, 269: You Goddamn Idiots

You goddamn idiots

get the hell out of the hospital



I’m trying to flood it

its for your own good

HEY

GET AWAY FROM THAT GODDAMN WELL

I’ll have none of this “clean self” business inside the fort, you’re spreading disease

get out and do it on the lawn

assholes

anyway

while thats flooding I better go and direct my attention anywhere other than the potential death trap

What are the miners up to


“Hey what are you guys up to these days?”
“Not much?”
“Well go and make your selves busy”
“Uh ok. Hey, Potato Jones, ever wondered what would happen if we just dug as far as we could straight down?”



“Huh?”
“Yeah, just dug, like crazy, straight down?"
“Dunno Perfect Potato, lets find out”

whats with the Laurel and Hardorf routine

they think they’re clever because they’re both potatoes

Dumbasses

wait what the hell they should be digging out the new cloud bar

Anyway on the topic of potatoes I wonder how my friend Markus is doing



um what


“Hey Markus what the hell happened?...Markus? No? Fine then. Limp away like a bastard then”

whats up with him

how the hell did he get injured he’s just a clerk

Anyway

Long time since I’ve been outside

Stinks up here

not as bad as the fort though

What the hell is that weird patch on the river

...

is that?



Is that a static pool of blood and pus just floating there?

Why the hell is it not washing away down the river

This place is goddamn odd

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP CLUNK



Kudust what the hell was that

was that a dog

did a dog just fall down the drain into the caverns



and damn it I thought I told you idiots to get out of the goddamn hospital



Actually what hell is going on down here?

Where the fuck is that Chief medical bastard




“Kaboom, what the hell is going on in there”
“Looks to me as though all the water is rapidly multiplying the Nolio extract, and coating every surface and all the walls with it, Madam. Also blood, pus, mud and other emphemera”
“For Monduls sake FUCK”
“Don’t worry, Mistress Overseer, it is all part of the plan. I am certain that eventually the exact opposite of what is happening now will happen. Give it a little more time and then the MiniNols will be submerged and drown. I am confident this will occur based on no evidence whatsoever. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to attend to one of our mothers-to-be who is even now-“
PLOP



“-wait. Never mind. She’s alright. She’s looking...umm...actually she doesn’t look happy”



“Murderous even. someone should tell her that an abortion is no longer possible It seems I’m called once more to the fray”

goddamn idiot

we need to stop the spread of this shit

at least some people care about our problems



good work whoever the fuck the leatherworkers are

but we need more than just snazzy new ballet slippers and no pants

we need science

who else knows science besides this stupid quack

there was that idiot with the bear theories


“Hey where is that idiot with the bear theories”

“You meanCharlie72? He’s down in the forge area, ma’am, developing forgotten beast theories! Just head down to the smelters and then follow the bone-vibrating screeching noises up the side staircase”

Forgotten what theories

bone-vibrating what noises



this will not be good


“Oh hello Pozzo, have you come to join me? I’ve been studying the...er...song...of our friend Keihao here. I hope to learn how to befriend and eventually harnes-“

“KUDUST FUCK GODDAMN
A FUCKING FLYING TAPEWORM
FUCK THAT
KILL IT
WHERE IS THE MILITARY KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT“

“Ah, well we made rather abortive attempt to kill it last year, but-“

“DON’T CARE
KILL IT
FUCK”

ok this is going to need all of my cunning

my cunning says that we should shoot it in the face













Ouroborus wrote :-

"The Fortress was beautiful on fire
All jagged stone stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin green haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're semi-clean...
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a strange mood or a spore bath

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of ichor

I open up my wallet
And it's full of Nol extract"

On the bright side, Nolitis doesn't seem to be that horrible an affliction. Who needs a spleen anyway?




Tujague wrote :-

1. O Armok, Armok most holy, Armok god of blood
We have offered you elf brains without number
Scraped from our shoes
We decorated much of the surface with your favorite liquid
It ain't easy to paint a rotting swamp with gore but we did it
Axe packin dwarves represent like what
What

2. We begged for help about this whole demon thing
Who the fuck dug all the way down there anyway
Now the doom hangs over us all
And our whole world is moving slow
Like old people driving

3. We confronted the beast Nol
In Your name
On Chunder Road
Like a boss
Like a boss

4. But you were displeased, O Armok, Armok god of blood
You sent his plague to afflict us in our pride
You ordained that every dwarf should grow ill in the spleenpiece
And a season of woe and puking has descended on Your faithful

5. And I'm not talking about "Oh, you drank too much" puking
We do that shit all the time
I'm talking about a guy vomiting so hard that he's holding on to his chair
With white knuckles like it's a roller coaster
I'm talking about motherfuckers hydroplaning around on sheets of puke
How did it get on the ceiling
How did it cover up all the labels on the levers
How do they drink two mugs of beer and toss four mugs of barf
Only You know for sure, Armok most holy

6. The unbelievers are using their false knowledge
They have turned their faces from You, O Armok
And not in a polite way, like "I'm going to turn my head to puke" but in a bad way
So they are figuratively puking on your face and turning their face from you
Oh hang on
Here it comes again
Ughhhhhhbllllaffff
Anyway

7. Your faithful know that we must have pissed you off big time
We're super sorry, O Armok most holy
Mea culpa, big guy
Now if you could just turn it down a notch
Say, convince the elves that they don't really want to conquer
Our disease-riddled hell-cork vomit geyser slaughterhouse of a shitheap
Or maybe the next monster just dies like normal and doesn't give us all
Endless magma diarrhea poison that won't wash away

8. Because if this is some experiment to find the worst smell ever
Then I say start yanking levers and bring on the magma
And we can simultaneously burn a huge lake of vomit and rafts of pus
And two soccer fields covered in old-ass dead bodies
All on top of a rotting swamp
And the demons can come up and conquer it all they want
The faggots
Amen




Centurium wrote :-

In what is for me a repeat on SA, I here post a blatant ripoff of Samuel Taylor Coleridge. I was inspired by the coming of the following lines:

Vomit, vomit everywhere
and all the walls did stink
Vomit, vomit everywhere
nor aught of it from drink


In further odious imitation of a better poet, I will post in three parts:

The Rime of the Ancient Miner
Part I

I passed upon my merry way
a dreadful bloody place
corpse decorated by some demon
who hates the elven race

how meet, thought I, gazing upon
some long dead long ear's skull
when an ancient vomit crusted hand
awoke me from my lull.

It was a miner, head to toe
by chunky puke encased
A fortress was, he said to me.
I threw him off in haste.

Do you not see us hurry on?
Those dwarves there hand in hand?
The party which you now disturb
is a wedding caravan.

A fortress was, he said again
Gemclod of ancient fame
and I lost power to resist
at the speaking of that name.

Digging, digging, digging down
forgotten beasts we roused
we named one Nol, then sealed the wall
And for years on end stayed soused.

Goblins, Elves, and Haughty Ones
did best to burn our fort
but though Nol might burst our wall
he knocked with gentelman's comport.

More later, folks.