15th Obsidian, 269: You know what it’s obvious I need to drink more

You know what it’s obvious I need to drink more


because if I drank more I wouldn’t have to put up with these horrible moments of discovery


ok


lets just take this one step at a time


step one


I’ve ordered an Artificial lake dug


why


also


why is there a severed foot in it already




“Is that somebody’s foot at the bottom of that lake?”
“Yeah. No. Maybe? I dunno. who cares?”
“That looks like an old ass festery foot down there”
“Yeah whatever. Toffile’s not dead, he can go and get it himself.”
“Why is it....look never mind. whatever. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. This lake, this “keg”, whatever it is, I don’t want to hear about it again. I’ve got other things to worry about.”


Other things like


why is there a mutilated corpse of a child lying in the middle of a pile of rocks in the middle of the corpse road





A MOTHERFUCKING MYSTERY


I am the best detective


I will find out what happened to this kid


right


I’m going to start-

“Hey Pozzo, I’ve just traded a whole load of stone tat to the traders ...



...and I just gave them the rest of the Munki tat to go to King Penguin the Benevolent as an offering”
“King Penguin the Mad”
“I thought he was the benevolent”
“The fuck do I care he’s just going to drink more of my liquor.”
“Er...ok. Anyway, they still want us to build more roads but I don’t know if we’ve got enough corpses to do that”
“Well here’s another one here RIGHT HERE, MARKUS!”
“Oh my”
“Yeah Markus, it’s that immigrant kid. You got a problem with immigrants Markus? Don’t like them clogging up your little metropolis? You do it, Markus? You kill him? HUH? Did you? Drop a pile of rocks on him to send a message to the other immigrants? Want them to go back they own country, they own fort? Huh? DID YOU KILL HIM?!?”
“Uh no, I expect he was just deconstructing one of the scaffolding structures up on the side of the keg while standing on it at the same time. Happens to the best of us. Just rarely from so great a height”



“Uh right of course, the keg. Well mystery solved go about your business”

God damn it there’s that goddamn keg again


what are you


why do you plague my existence so


I’m just going to ignore it and hope that nobody ever speaks of it again



“Right, somebody tell me what the hell is going on around here, anything I need to know?”
“Febreezeninja just flipped his lid and starting gibbering in one of the craft shops”





“Great, he is certain to produce something valuable and useful”

this place is insane


hey that ghost seems to have stopped bothering us


I wonder what happened to him


off bothering somebody else now I suppose




well we’ve got his memorial ready anyway if he comes back



I think now is about the time I normally think “I’ll do something fun” and some idiot runs up to me crying about some old bullshit


“Pozzo! Pozzo! There’s a blind cave ogre!”
“Hah! I fucking knew it”



“Get the militia up to the staircase doom and slaughter the shit out of that monster!”
“He’s not at the staircase of doom”
“what”



“Ummmmm. Where is it then?”
“Chasing Genericfootwear through the lower caverns”



at least the answer isn’t the keg this time

“What the hell is Generic footwear doing in the lower caverns?”
“He was storing an item...”
“Right”
“...in a bag.”
“Of course. Well send Minty and the crew down there and sort it out”




well I’m going to leave them to it


I’m sure they’ll get to him in time





what else is going on


more weirdos getting too attached to their weapons




So you named it while practicing


I know it killed the tapeworm and all but seriously it was the practicing that made you think “goddamn this crossbow is fucken top notch”


idiot


“Pozzo, Febreeze Ninja is finished in the shop! He has made a cat bone bed”



“Wow, ok. I bet its goddamn expensive then, all menacing spikes and hanging gold rings”

“Nah.”



“It’s just a bed.”


well that was totally worth my time


actually on the topic of cat bone I wonder how the butchery program is doing



You know I’m beginning to wonder about what the rate of replacement actually is around here


anyway


what the hell is this lever



GRAGRGHGH WHAT THE HELL IS THE KEG


that’s it


only one way to find out


I’m pulling the lever





well that certainly is a loud gurgling noise



where is that coming from anyway



sounds like its coming from abov-



You know how sometimes the entrance of your fort is suddenly totally swamped and you don’t know how


corpses all bobbing around


sudden inexplicable lake at the entrance of the fort


You know that feeling?


ok


You know I don’t think I’ve ever looked upwards this entire year


FUCK



What in the goddamn hell is that

”HEY YOU. What the hell is that thing up there spraying water all over the gatehouse?”
“That’s the keg.”
“Keg? That looks more like a smashed beehive than a keg”



“Yeah I see what you’re saying”



“But I always thought it looked like a duck”



“A giant, four legged, beehive duck, straddling the fort”
“Heh. Yeah. stupid fucking thing.”
“What are you talking about, you designed it”

goddamn it


I knew it


Well you know what


I’m taking this shit in my stride


“Yeah exactly I did. AND WE HEVEN’T CELEBRATED IT’S CONSTRUCTION YET”

“what”

“EVERYBODY STOP WORK AND GET THE HELL DOWN IN TO THE BAR”



yeah thats right


I’m going to get all these bastards at least as drunk as I am



yeah pile in here you bastards


none of you will remember this month either


actually if I get them all drunk enough then I won’t have to do anything for the rest of the year



damn this liquor is great


It’s tastier if you ordered the slave labour yourself


man this bar is looking great too




I really out did myself with this bar





or


tomb?




yeah you know what that makes sense


anyway


I’m going to get drunk make some idiot the overseer



Notes for next overseer:











YeOldeButchere wrote :-

Pozzo posted:

hey that ghost seems to have stopped bothering us


I wonder what happened to him


off bothering somebody else now I suppose



Journals of Yeol the First, Emperor of all Grizzlies and YE GODS WHAT IS THAT?

I DID NOT KILL YOU! POZZO DID! If what you said is true, you shouldn't even have been on top of the elfcinerator! Don't hurt me! I'm the only thing standing between dwarves and their annihilation, even dead you should understand that! Go away, or the grizzlies win!

Oh gods, that's it. You've sided with them. I should have known. It's only a matter of time until the ghosts of the grizzlies killed under my rule come to this place now.

I can see them! They're coming through the walls! THROUGH THE WALLS!

THROUGH THE WALLS! HELP ME KUDUST!


Krysmphoenix wrote :-


Here's Repelex's crossbow. Goldjade the Dimension of Work.

Oh, and Pozzo wasn't joking about Febreeze Ninja's bed (Kobemduthnur or Troubleguarded). It really is just a cat bone bed. No engravings, no decorations, no spikes of cloth, no nothing.
But it is still the most epic cat bone bed ever.