You are not Vox Nihili.





Actually, I think that's the guy I kinda drowned in the whole “flooding the hospital” thing. Is there a waiting list for ghosts wanting revenge on me or is it just first come, first served? Seriously, I'm curious as to the exact mechanism by which the world fucks me over.

Well you know what? I've had enough. You are getting memorialised so hard.



I'll even stick your memorial down here. You'll understand why when I'm done with it.



Yeah, and you stay dead. As for the rest of you ghostly fuckers, I've got enough slabs here for you and all your families, so just fucking try it.



Febreezeninja took a hell of a beating in the last few battles. He was mostly scar tissue to start with, but he finally ran out of non-essential bits to get hacked off.





He won't admit it, but he'll never hold an axe again. He keeps going back to the battlefield where he got paralysed and trying to pick up his axe



Saddest thing you ever saw. I'm not a cruel dwarf. I won't tell anyone I saw him cry.






See this bullshit? This is what I have to put up with on a daily basis. This isn't a report about a goblin attack or a cave-in, oh no. This is what Beardman screams at the top of his lungs every time he slaughters an animal.

And then he giggles.

I'd tell him to knock it off, but I'm afraid I'd end up as a pile of prepared dwarf intestines if I tried.





Oh hey Scribbleykins, you found just what we need. More fucking goblins.





You know, considering he got both legs hacked open he has a pretty impressive turn of speed.



I am officially impressed. By the time he got to the fortress the goblins were barely halfway there, just in time to meet the military head on.

I think Minty overheard me saying that Nimby terrifies me more than he does.



And I admit it, I was wrong. Minty fills me with unmitigated, bowel-loosening terror.

Anyway, I sent Minty after the rest of the goblins by the edge of the map, partly to stop them sneaking up on us later and mostly to get him as far away from me as possible.



Only it turns out they brought backup.



One whole unicorn.



I really don't know what they expected to happen there.





A single war eagle. It got Mintied.



Okay. Minty? The eagle I can understand. And the unicorn, maybe that was hiding behind a tree or something. But Minty, in the name of all that is holy...



HOW DO YOU GET AMBUSHED BY AN ELEPHANT?

I give up. I will watch this debacle no longer. Someone, anyone, give me something else to look at.



Thank you.

Speaking further of new arrivals, this bullshit happened.







And I was so looking forward to drowning them.

Anyway, I sent Nimby and Minty to go smash them. I was going to just quietly update the records in my office and very carefully pay no attention to the horrible brutality being doled out, but I just couldn't help watching the first few seconds. Nimby got to the goblins first and just charged up to the closest mounted goblin and


*splunch*

And then he wore their heads like warm, oozing gloves for the rest of the fight. Minty may be brutal, but he's at least never done anything quite like that.



Oh gods. Minty! Nimby! You both terrify me in exactly equal measure.

Now please, please stop it.



Oh hey, the ghost got done with Judenhauer.



Floodedmerchant? Really? You're taunting me that I never got to drown the traders? I know you're a vengeful spirit and all, but that's low, Thadius. Memorialisment was too good for you.




It is becoming increasingly clear that I'm not going to get out of this place alive. I'm barely halfway through my reign and I have vengeful spirits, forgotten terrors, hideous goblins and those beautiful, deadly elves out to get me. Even if I somehow survive the year, where else is there to go? Gemclod is the last fortress left standing.

But you know what? If I go down, I'm going down in style



And if I can manage it? I'll take every one of these bastards down with me.









pkmnfrk wrote :-

Mr. Vile posted:

HOW DO YOU GET AMBUSHED BY AN ELEPHANT?



Zapdos wrote :-



AJ_Impy wrote :-



Journal of AJ_Impy Idashushrir, Agent Firesnake

This is a secret journal encoded in a high elven cypher on shale microfiche. All craftsdwarfship is of mediocre quality.

I have seen death recently. I have seen the forces of Patternedunites and their allies slaughtered recently. I have seen terrifying adamantine-wielding monsters in dwarven form cut through elves like rope reed recently. Under the pretense of hauling, I have tried to get close enough to the unstoppable fighters of Gemclod to see how they can be defeated by our enlightened superiors.

*****

It is no good. If they see anything move nearby, they are fully capable of ripping it apart.In very nasty ways. Very nasty. I have not been able to replicate my success with the cultural adjustment trolls lately. They held very still until they acted, and were able to do so unnoticed for some time. I wonder if that is it? I will have to see what the adamantine-bearers do if they don't see an enemy move...

*****

Deg's bargain bonanza be praised! I have found the secret of their deadliness. The guardians of Gemclod hunt by motion. No matter how large an enemy is, if it doesn't move, they probably think it's just a large rock, or whatever their unenlightened minds imagine. I have serruptitiously displayed the elfsign for 'Tell everyone to be really, really still when a Dwarf comes near' where the next patrol will see it. Hopefully we can emplace an entire army nearby with this information.

*****

The Armokbedamned beasts just couldn't sit still long enough. First an idiot goblin gets noticed by an unenlightened commoner, then his squad completely fails to cut his legs off before he can run for help. A commoner dwarf bleeding from both legs outruns a crack team of goblins. I mean, really. Is this the best our allies can do? That wakes up the monsters, and they promptly slaughter everyone. Again. It seems like the hidden army will remain undiscovered, but no. Why did the unicorn choose that moment, just that moment, to sneeze? I know it lacks opposable digits, but couldn't it stick its huge twirly cork in it?! No. It has to make that one little movement and get butchered, meaning that psychopath hung around long enough to see that feather spiralling down from one of our war eagles. If that wasn't enough, it had to notice the elephant twitching its ears uncomfortably. I told them they had to keep everything still!

*****

Deg's great business acumen that trades worthless tat for treasure, that was horrible. He used their skulls as mittens! Mittens!! They don't even need weapons, he just punched them and that was it. And that was before the other one ripped that goblin's eye out with its teeth. I have no idea how we're going to crush this last redoubt of the enemy, they're all totally sporegenerating insane!









Mr. Vile wrote :-

Iridium


Tias


Raffytaffy


Ruzihm


Crackmaster


Nessus


And speaking of new arrivals.



Sebzilla


I don't even want to know how he was born with his beard pre-braided.




Scribbleykins wrote :-

Awesome! An actual mention in a Dwarf Fortress update? GOTTA DO SOMETHING WITH THAT! And I know -just- the thing.





From Coalshowered Scribbleykins, Thresher.
To Bootsorgan Mr. Vile, Seerover.

This is a poorly made dwarf letter adressed to the dwarf Overseer. It is written in uneven dwarf runes and stained with blood spatters.

Hips ache. Chest ache. Threshing-arm ache, as writes I. With them ache I and will long. Live I do, still! Thankful much am I for jogs long afore in mountainhomes. To safety brought me my legs agile. Thought I would my reasoning and discovery share, if yet am I to die from wounds under slovenly miscare of dwarf hacks.

To mistake I admit. I at fault am here for wounds mine. Said it was--it was!--that there leopards were in the swamps thereout. A phrase simple. How was to know I?

To woe mine, I now see. Warned I was, against thereout going in search hopeful! Such a warning casual, such a mistake fateful! Now remorseful I ache.

Have you tasted the flesh juicy of beast-cat? Know you the lure? The desire? To hunger quench and thirst quell on a slab of flank leopard, with a goblet of berrystraw-wine? Oh, temptation exquisite. Excuses made I, to up pick an item thereout. The beasts locate I would.

No hunter am I, but in cunning thought: 'Only to find them I have and the soldiers and butchers will the rest do'. Found I did something, but, sadly, leopards not. Filthy creatures small found I. Slight, stinking goblins found I, in numbers twelve, as well know you now.

From behind rocks hidden lunge did they with weapons sharp, me piercing, but, thankful am I, killing not. Their tongues were in gibbering, their eyes were in wide, and in many fanciful armours and dress were clad they. Still, from leopards to run prepared was I (many a lap training I taken have, things hauling for Clodgems I do), so for screaming aid I ran per plan.

My ache magnified, but to dwarf be is to pain bear with will stoic and out pass did I not.

Pleased to report am I, that goblins no leopards are, and I them paced out, my wounds despite. My yells hearing came the Clodgem squads, and hear I won they a battle gruesome! Praise the Clodgem squads! Long lived have already I, for dwarf this age dark in, but in Clodgem, adamantine-blessed Clodgem, perhaps still longer will live I... if doctors irresponsible and poking not slaughter me will.

Hope I do that this you well finds and much luck on future seerover tasks you I wish. May one day Sirab new mountainhomes raise and rain wet rock on all elves and goblins.

Sincerely,
Coalshowered Scribbleykins



Iridium wrote :-



Journal of Iridium Dumatalath, Hipstress Supreme
10th Sandstone, 270

Been in Gemclod for a while now. I know a lot of awesome indie music has come out of this place and Renee called it a new center of the art universe but whatever. This place is a dump, and not in the good trendy kind of way. The whole aboveground is covered in bits of dead elf poseurs and unicorn intestines. I thought at first I could keep my shoes dirty ironically but it turns out everyone does that here. Nobody bathes at all until there's a plague or something. How am I supposed to go against the grain in a trendy manner against that? Bathe regularly and look like some trophy wife soccer mom cheerleader? Please.

Still looking for a suitably cool place to live. Apparently some of the forges get abandoned from time to time which would be perfect, but they keep getting reopened again so that won't work. Probably going to end up in some crappy cookie cutter apartment like all the middle class losers here. Whatever.

Haven't had the time to break out my vintage chisels and work on any pictures lately. I've been too busy with the move. There's supposed to be a massive cave network underground that gets some kitschy monsters now and then, maybe I'll head down there and engrave some of those.