25th Slate, 269: That’s awfully fucking drastic don’t you think
“That’s awfully fucking drastic don’t you think, Bakoom? Killing off all the sufferers defeats the purpose a bit goddamn much”
“Oh Sirab no, not the dwarves! I meant drown the bugs!”
WHAT
“What fucking bugs there better not be another goddamn spider around here because I’ll not just flip my lid, my lid will be doing an acrobatic cunting pirouette off...wherever it is...wherever the hell my lid is kept”
“What? What spiders? I mean the Nolio bugs. The tiny mini-Nol bugs which have been infecting everybody, causing the illness.”
“What in Onshens swinging codpiece are you talking about?”
“Well you know that grey film coating the wells and the hospital? That’s just a whole bunch of tiny bugs from Nol. They seem to multiply on our skin. I noticed them after the flood in the hospital and they were all washed into piles. That’s what made me think of drowning them”
“Tiny bugs?”
“Yes! They’re a lot like...well, are you familiar with how humans reproduce?”
“No.”
“Well never mind then. Anyway, tiny bugs, all over the hospital: drown the buggers.”
“Oh. Ok. I’m fine with that. I’ll start moving everybody out of the damn place then!”
“I’ll need a temporary hospital – the old 6-bed hospital simply will not suffice.”
“Done. There’s this wonderful exploratory mineshaft that I think you’ll love.”
“And you can have all three of the spare beds”
Well I’m sure this flooding-the-hospital business will go exactly as designed and completely according to plan and there will be utterly no problems and I will be able to move on with my life
~~~~
Anyway
What’s with the big half full vat full of lava over there?
Why is it not full
How do I fill it
Do you know what worked out for me in the past
Arbitrarily pulling levers and then not sticking around to pay attention to the results
Helped save the hospital
Definitely a good idea
“Simian Ninja! Go and figure out how to fill that vat of lava up!”
It is never a bad decision to play with lava
~~~~
Hey, whats up with these two pillars
they seem to be held on at the top by only a thin arm of rock
it looks almost as if somebody was going to try dropping them down a level to get them on to the floor level of the great hall
I always wondered why those two were off the ground like that
I should do something about that
That is something which can only result in good
I bet Pudgy will be pleased
I’ll definitely do something about that
after I have a drink
~~~~
Deg above, you know what I can’t be fucked with
walking to the booze stockpile or my office every time I want a drink
hold on
WAIT
I’VE GOT AN IDEA
Need to keep the booze cool
Need to seal the freshness in until you drink it
Need to be portable
Need ten of them in my office by next week
~~~~
Rum rum rum
RUM
I love it
RUM
“Um Pozzo, we need you to come up to the battlements, something has happened to Simian Ninja”
What
“How the hell did you get up there?!”
“I was pulling the lever for the lava!”
“What?! The lever is over here on the battlement!”
“Yeah, well....I....um... Look, I’m going to take a nap, just wake me up when you’ve sorted this mess out”
“What?! Are you going to sleep?!”
I find his whole attitude to be remarkably cavalier
“What the hell is he doing?! He needs to get down from there!”
“No, what he is doing is good – if you play dead, or asleep, then lava just leaves you alone!”
“What are you talking about also who are you and how long have you been standing behind me?”
“Leal, been here literally the whole time Anyway. Sleeping! Totally true! It’s Science! Charlie72 was talking about it the other day in his lecture. The lava leaves you alone and goes to tend to its cubs!”
What
“...wait. Hold on. Let me think”
well that went about as well as expected
“Know what Leal? I think we can discount that theory”
and not only that but the goddamned machine has burned it self out
Who would make a magma pump axle out of wood
Not me
Anyway
I better go drink to Simian Ninja, who I met once
“BEARS! It was bears that he was talking about wait Pozzo where are you going”
~~~~
Ok I think it’s about time to fix this hospital up
Who the hell has some shoes
Naturally of course the goddamn lever room is full of Nol Extract so I need a dwarf with shoes to pull the reservoir lever and flush the place out
Aha, Vaga42bond, the miners last hope
Which is to say the only miner smart enough or freshly migrated enough to have kept his goddamn shoes on
Anyway.
“Right Vaga42Bond, my elaborately named friend, you have job of the utmost importance. You must proceed post haste to the “hospital flush zone” where you will begin the process of flushing out the hospital and being trapped in the hospital for an indefinite period with the malevolent microscopic beasties that keep making us all vomit. Do this and I promise I will make you overseer in 20 years time.”
“Why do I have to be trapped in the hospital?”
“Good question. It is the most important part of the plan. It is because I am too lazy to be bothered providing you with an escape route and too drunk to care. Don’t worry, you won’t be on your own. Long term patients will also be trapped indefinitely in their rooms, and they’ve gone, whew, I don’t know, weeks without food or drink, bless em’.”
“I mean you’ll be fine yourself, you’re one of the healthiest dwarves there is! Anyway, there are two levers in there that inexplicably flood the hospital, one is labelled ‘room one cleaner’ and the other is ‘well reservoir control’. These are both in fact deceptively titled levers of certain death. I want you to get up there, lock yourself in, and pull those levers! Got that? Good, get up there, and do your fortress proud”
“I don’t have a choice do I?”
“No siree, get your ass up there before I tear you a new one!”
“Fine.”
What an obedient dwarf. I’ve got a feeling about her. She is certain to go far in life.