Interrogating the Interrogator
1st Timber 267, Late Fall
I watched the dwarves filing into the council room over the bags in my eyes. I was to the point where I couldn’t discern the din of their chatter from the rumble of my stomach. I couldn’t trust any of them, they would not catch me in a moment of weakness. But I knew I needed an ally, if only so I could have my back turned to something. There! Vox Nihili was sauntering up the steps. Apart. He would not be connected to them. He greeted my approach with his usual firm expression.
“Is the equipment ready for my expedition? My dwarves and I are restless for glory.”
“Hm?” It took a moment for me to collect what he was asking. “Oh, yes! Viola has not finished all your hammers, as she was too busy with her drills. She told me she would make it up to you by crafting you an adamantine ax.”
For the fleeting moment I could have sworn there was an echo of a smile chiseled in that rock of a face, but it was gone as quickly as it came.
“That is not why you came to me.”
“No, no, it’s not.” I led him into the desolate shadow of a statue. “I fear the Captain of the Guard might be aligned with the traitors.”
“I’m happy to see her spell over you finally broken.” He didn’t look very happy.
“You know I’ve never trusted her, and have been advising you to get rid of her for months.”
“And how was I supposed to distrust one of the founders and defenders of Gemclod without proof?”
Vox frowned. “You weren’t the first to arrive in Gemclod all those years ago. She wasn’t a founder, she was one of the first immigrants. Along with a whole band of cutthroats and misfits.” He spat. “We should have never took them in.”
He began picking at his ear. Slowly his mustache slanted, revealing a crooked grimace underneath. “You know, you might recognize a couple of other names from that group. Locomotive Breath and Pozzo.”
*
I burst into the room and strode straight to Boing.
“Who are the Screaming Beakdogs?” I demanded.
“I don’t know what…”
“Who are the Screaming Beakdogs?” I screeched. The rest of the room was as silent as the Hall of Heroes.
Boing looked uncomfortably between the different nobles. Finally, she squeaked. “My old regiment. Pre-Gemclod.”
"..."
“Oh.”
*****
Only one issue of any real importance came up in today’s council: the growing population demanded another seat to be created.
The question was to whom should this new title be granted. Captain of the Guard Boing recommended Lord of Hats, but he had just immigrated to Gemclod, and would not be adjusted to how society runs here. Leperfish nominated Krysmphoenix, but she was much too inexperienced to handle the militia training duties. Kaboom Dragoon recommended Anaxite, but he was a legendary miner, and therefore his skills with a pick were too valuable to lose.
The meeting was at a standstill, and so some of the dwarves began debating amongst themselves of a new report from something called a science team.
It was absolute rubbish, of course, but it was a new idea, outside of anything anyone considered before. And that sort of insight might lead to victory in the field. So, I granted Charlie72 the new standard.
Congratulations, Charlie72, may your science team be the Glowing Roads that leads dwarves to our utopia.
Charlie72 wrote :-
SCIENCE TEAM Annual Report,267
Theory of Unrelative Time Zone Time Progression
A new Theory as been made to help explain the feeling of slowness that many dwarfs are feeling in Gemclod nowadays.The Theory of Unrelative Time Zone Time Progression follows this logic:
*Time flies when you're having fun but stands still when you're not.
*The world is divided into Time Zones, or areas where the time is the same.
*Time Zones experience different times. For example, 2:00pm for Gemclod could be 2:00am for a fortress on the other side of the world.
*All creatures that are in the same Time Zone share the same time. For example, 2:00pm for Boing is 2:00pm for Vox and 2:00pm for Penguingo's pets. Everything in the fortress, as well as the creatures around it, is experiencing 2:00pm.
*Since time flies when you're having fun, time in a Time Zone goes at a rate related to the percent of creatures having fun.
*As the number of creatures in a Time Zone goes up, the percent of them having fun is, in most cases, likely to go down, and time will slow.
The number HFS now sealed in Gemclod is reported to be more then four times our fortress's population and THE HUNTERS, as you know, hate fun and stalk our grounds. These two fractures, combined with our ever growing population, are why Gemclod seems so slow nowadays
DAAM
DAAM .86 has been installed on every crossbow and crossbowdwarf. We are now working on a siege engine version, know as Greatly Overpowered Devices' Dwarf Assisting Aiming Mechanism(or GOD DAAM)
Psydrawfs
Maybe?
Signed Dr.Charlie72 Zonbasen, Head of SCIENCE TEAM.
Bene Elim wrote :-
Charlie72 posted:
SCIENCE TEAM Annual Report,267
Theory of Unrelative Time Zone Time Progression
A very interesting theory, but the Brewer's union would like to submit an alternate view.
Dwarven time measurement goes thus: 60 sips to a stein, 60 steins to a barrel, 24 barrels to a day. This is not simply the invention of one such as Pozzo (Mishos rest her soul), but is an accurate definition based on the effect of alcohol, and lack thereof, on the Dwarven system. We believe that a Dwarf consuming alcohol regularly will experience time 'properly', but a sober Dwarf will feel time slow.
This can be seen quite obviously. Dwarves nearing sobriety will move slower, yet give no indication that they realize their lack of speed. Dwarves can continue this state for some time, as the emergency alcohol stored in their livers keeps them going, and when this runs out, the dwarven body will begin fermenting ingested plant matter on its own. This process causes stomach aches and grumpiness in the unfortunate dwarf.
In some cases (as with Comatoes, for example) even this measure will fail, and the dwarf will experience total sobriety; near full metabolic halt. To us Comatoes has been asleep for five years, but to him he's not even had a good night's sleep yet. Vox Nihili was aproaching this state when he returned from whatever exile he was on last year, but has thankfully made a full recovery.
In conclusion: Sobriety makes time run slower. If you feel like time is running slow, have a drink.
Charlie72 wrote :-
Slowness due to sobriety is a biological response to conceive alcohol in the booze-blater and doesn't effect a dwarf's preserve time(which can not effected in the first place, because time in the same Time Zone is not relative). Also, your theory only applies to dwarfs, where as the Theory of Unrelative Time Zone Time Progression is universal.
While sobriety does play a factor in time, since dwarfs need booze to have fun in the first place, it is only one. The mass slowness that we are feeling right now is not due to booze crisis, but an increase in the dwarf and non-dwarf population of this Time Zone. Though you are entitled to your own stupid beliefs, please leave the SCIENCE to the professionals.
M_Gargantua wrote :-
Observing a System From Within: A Dwarven Examination of the Metaverse shamelessly stolen from Bad Munki
My days as an intern for Science team have dragged me into the latest spat of the so called intellectuals in the Great Hall. Crazy Charlie72 is having a spat with the brewers! They say a day feels slow because you're sober. A good argument to protect their interests, and sensible.
But no, it couldn't just end there. There had to be experiments. 72 used me and my workshop as a testrock. Wanting to know how fast things went in the shop. Tracking who was coming through, how much rock, how many crafts... He kept shouting time check every few seconds at me trying to get datasquares.
I told him his idea was foolish. Of course things feel slower when the shop is packed! Why, theres just so much to Think about. I would still get the same work done. I proposed to him a theory of Slade time, a sip is a sip, a barrel a barrel, as unchanging as the rock itself.
It also got me thinking about all the rocks I handle. I've been noticing that nodwarf ever takes a stone another desires. Even though there is no way of knowing who has claimed what without asking.
My beard says there's something going on with that, it's all too square to be luck. It's almost as if any stone could be used by any dwarf until you actually find out. When you find out you force a decision, setting the order. When you don't it simply appears that dwarf aimed at that particular stone from the beginning of his journey.