Journal of Yeol I, Legendary Armorer and Emperor of All Dwarves
20th Galena 268
I think we got the last of 'em.
This battle went relatively well, I suppose. It started with Dirt5o8 giving the nearest elf the usual Gemclod greetings.
Nearby was Warmbody who began to run towards Dirt5o8.
The latter was engaged in a rather impressive battle with the elf she'd already wounded.
She eventually found an opening and used that to her advantage.
Warmbody was intercepted by an elf before she could make it to Dirt5o8.
Things went a little worse for Warmbody, though.
By then Dirt5o8 had earned first blood for the battle and was getting started on her second elf.
Wounded, Warmbody decided to run away from the elf towards the east.
Yet more impressive combat from Dirt5o8.
Warmbody eventually stumbled on Lazarenth and 64bitrobot
As did the elf who was after her.
At three on one, the smart money wasn't on the elf.
Meanwhile, another elf had fallen to Dirt5o8's axe, and she'd wounded another one which she was now pursuing, all of this with only minor injuries.
At that point what worried me most was that, as per Standard Elven Operating Procedure, the high elves had decided to charge the front gate, and the military wasn't assembled yet.
The only one there was a recruit named DrakIris who was woefully under-equipped.
He did the only thing he could do under the circumstances. He beat the everloving shit out of the elf.
It was surprisingly effective, too.
Especially when DrakIris decided to crush its skull with his bare hands.
That was badass.
The elf that ran after Warmbody was also having a bad day.
ALRIGHT GUYS, I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO PRACTICE YOUR DENTISTRY SKILLS ON HIM. We don't even have dentists. ALSO I DON'T THINK REMOVING THE TEETH OF YOUR STILL LIVING ENEMY IS CONDUCIVE TO GOOD MENTAL HEALTH ANYWAY.
Anyhow, by that point DrakIris decided he was invincible and that he'd charge the high elves by himself. The first one he met disabused him of that idea pretty quickly.
That was slightly less badass.
By that point, some of the military had reached the gates, so I ordered them to get out there and kill.
What happened next surprised me. I'd kind of figured out by now that the elves weren't dog people. But apparently they're not cat people either.
I think what tipped me off is the entire elven squad going after a single kitten.
Well, one of the elves did stay behind to poke DrakIris some more with his pike.
By which I mean stab him through the heart. Predictably, that ended poorly for him.
Of course the majority of the elven savagery was reserved for the most hated of enemies.
But the kitten menace was thoroughly vanquished, and never again shall it plague the elves!
Really now, maybe that's why they've been attacking us all this time. They've got nothing against us, but it's the dogs and cats they want dead, and since we're sheltering them, they have no choice but to kill us as well. We've been collateral damage in this whole war. Maybe if we threw all the cats and dogs we have from the top of the towers and made a gigantic pile of dead pets, and then set the corpses on fire for good measure, then the high elves would immediately make peace with us.
I think it's worth a try.
Of course we're still going to kill every last one of them in time, but we could actually have time to rebuild in peace and then do it from a position of power, which would make the whole thing far easier. Like stomping out vermin.
But I digress.
2M_Gargantua and TripleA were the first two to charge out of the gate, well, the first two to do so after being ordered to. They dealt with the first high elf they encountered with extreme efficiency, avenging DrakIris.
Soon after nimby joined them and they surrounded an elf, while the rest of the elves were now heading for the gate once more after the defeat of the Great Devourer.
Further east, Dirt5o8 killed another elf with relatively light wounds to herself.
Moving south, the bulk of the military encountered something they did not expect.
The elves decided to bring a saltwater crocodile with them. Sure, why not. A bunch of the dwarves here are veteran of the Grizzly War of '68, so I don't think it'll help you much. You still get the occasional bad apple, like whoever was screaming "I told them I didn't want to be a soldier!" and similar stuff when the crocodile was trying to take a bite.
That was fun to watch.
Then I got report of another battle casualty.
How? How did this happen? ddegenha was in a bed in the Shorter Than Some Memorial Hospital, watched over by Gemclod's greatest minds! How could such a tragedy occur?
Another mystery for dwarven medical science!
The crocodile, as it turned, proved to be far more useful for the elves than I'd first expected. Not because I'd underestimated it, but because, yet again, I'd overestimated the average Gemclod dwarf.
Of course, chase after the crocodile! Don't mind the elves heading for the gate! I'm sure they just want to give the civilians of Gemclod some big hugs, and maybe glory in the slaughter of a puppy or two.
I REALIZE MOST OF YOU HAVE PROBABLY NEVER SEEN A CROCODILE BEFORE, AND I ADMIRE YOUR DEDICATION TO KNOWLEDGE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO VIVISECT IT! Gods, in a few years I'll probably know what sound every single animal makes when it's being brutally beaten to death by a group of dwarves. Did you know saltwater crocodiles and unicorns make the same sound when you're cutting them open? I learned that from the two last battles.
Fortunately, more soldiers were coming out of the gate, and they dealt with the remaining elves pretty quickly.
Then the few elves that remained retreated.
So far there hasn't been any new sightings, but I wouldn't put it past them to have another squad somewhere around Gemclod. Or some grizzly bears.
I hate those fucking things.
MortuusLupus wrote :-
Dear Overseer, Sir. I write you to inform you that our current equipment, our hammers, are woefully inefficient and just downright boring ways to inflict pain on elves, humans, and the various beasties they bring with them. I've been in the business of dealing pain for some time now, and I must say, bopping something on the head is about as vanilla as you can get.
Instead I recommend The New Paints' hammers be replaced with spears. There are so many ways a spear can cause suffering and misery that a hammer cannot. Tendons, ligaments, nerves, muscles, they can all be quickly and easily severed and mangled, leaving our foes writhing in misery. And the guts, don't get me started on guts. Have you ever seen an elf vomit up his own organs, then struggle to swallow them back down before they get sliced off and used as an impromptu bolas? I have, and it's every bit as magnificent as it sounds. Or you run one through and get close in, run another one behind him, and a third, and you get a big group hug all together and share their last moments as they watch their insides spilling out onto one another. One time I took off an elf's foot and kicked him to death with it.
I admit, hammers have a certain poetic nature to them, using a carpenter's tools to strike them down, but if we really want to create something beautiful, something wondrous, we need the right brush. And that brush is a spear.
I defer to your judgment, of course, and will follow your orders whatever you decide.
Bene Elim wrote :-
^^x2 Mind if I countersign this pettition?
The Union of Brewers-in-Exile (from the stills) adds it's support to the proposal by Master Lupus. If you are going to force us into combat against our will, you could at least give us weapons to make the fight shorter.
Yours in hope, Bene Elim, Brewer (not 'King not a brewer')