Oh. Oh my.

EVERYONE INSIDE! MILITARY TO THE FRONT GATES! FOR MONDUL'S SAKE GET EVERYONE INDOORS AND RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE BEFORE -



Oh gods. There's nothing left of her, just a red smear across a troll's fist.



Boing is going to kill me.

FORGET THE MILITARY, JUST GET EVERYONE INSIDE RIGHT NOW! THERE'S TOO MANY TO FIGHT!



JUST RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE, ANYONE LEFT OUTSIDE IS DONE FOR!



Oh gods. Oh gods. I don't know how to raise the drawbridge. I don't know what any of these levers do and even if the military gets here in time there are hundreds of those beautiful, beautiful elves. Even Minty can't...

Minty?



Holy shit Minty.

We...we might actually win this. We have Minty, Vox Nihili the legendary axedwarf, and if nothing else they'll buy me enough time to find the drawbridge lever.

Everyone...



CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!


I'll just appraise you from the sidelines. The sidelines in my bedroom. I'll send some other guy to pull every lever he can find.





Uh...





I have made a terrible mistake.



I...

Uh...

Nobody saw me do anything. I didn't touch the lever. If anyone asks I was in bed the whole time. Nobody can prove anything.

...I don't think any of them even noticed. Mondul fuck these dwarves are crazy.









They're just tearing those slender bodies apart like paper, and apart from that one marksdwarf who had a mysterious accident our guys are hardly even scratched, just a few bruises and fractures. Kikka has lost a fair bit of blood and Vox is...

Vox?



Uh oh.

Did I really just get the founder of the fortress killed? Letting the founder take a spear through the brain seems like the sort of thing that would relflect badly on an overseer. I mean, he said he was a legendary axedwarf and everything, but I still kinda threw him to the wolves.

I, um...

I can cover this up. There are corpses everywhere here, nobody is going to spot an extra one, and then nobody has to know. I'll smuggle his corpse into his tomb when it gets dark, the last thing I need is ghostly fingers being pointed.

I think the shouting from outside is getting louder. Ohshitohshitohshit, did someone see what happened? I don't want to die I don't want to...

Is that cheering?



We won.

We WON!?

I need to get down there fast and hide the body. I can bury under it the bodies of some of those beautiful elves for now.

Come to think of it, if I can find an intact elf body I think I'll have it stuffed and put in my room. A poor substitute for a live elf, but it's not like I'll ever...







Yeeeeeeeeessssssss...









AJ_Impy wrote :-



Journal of AJ_Impy Idashushrir, Agent Firesnake

This is a secret journal encoded in a high elven cypher on shale microfiche. All craftsdwarfship is of mediocre quality.

I have infiltrated a refugee caravan of the Famous Palisade, headed for Gemclod. Eleven unenlightened dwarves beside myself. They accepted me into their number without comment, and we are making good progress. may Deg grant us swift passage.

*****

Holy Deg's Stockpile of Infinite Storage! That stench! Are those corpses? The bodies of the dead strewn along the sides of this meagre road like decorations? What's that bizarre beehive overhead? Such strangeness, such horrors! This has to be the right place. I carve the elfsign for 'besiege here' in the mud when the others aren't looking and go inside.

*****

How strangely these unenlightened ones choose their leadership! I have met with the overseer, this 'Fortress appraiser'. He set us to work on general hauling tasks, and accepted me without question. This will be the perfect cover. I will begin sneaking in the Cultural Adjustment squad tomorrow, in disguise, and put them near some statues of insignificant unenlightened dwarves in the main hall, so that they may be replaced with images of our true Masters. The rest of the glorious army of the Horn of Galleries waits outside, cunningly concealed in ways the unenlightened cannot imagine.

*****

Calamity! It was all going so well, with the Cultural Adjustment squad dismantling the false icons with ease, until one of them dismantled one a bit too loudly. They were discovered, so the rest of the glorious army began its assault. I followed orders to go deeper, ready to betray my kin and fling open the gates for our Masters, but the forces of Gemclod were too powerful, with adamantine-armed titans of battle scything through our ranks like ripe plump helmets. We killed less than ten of them! I must try and undermine this fortress more subtly, that our forces may eventually succeed...



Tujague wrote :-

1. O Armok, Armok sanctorum, Armok deus sanguinem
Mighty is Thy will
And in Thy word there will be good and evil
There will be true and false
Dwarf and Elf, O Armok

2. In Thy word there will be times of puke
And times of blood
Also, brains
I'll get to that

3. Behold we kept Your Word in the Scourge of Nol
In the time of puke we were faithful
Even when we were puking so hard
That one guy killed his pet cat with puke
Remember he picked up his cat
Ha ha and he picks it up, Armok most holy
And ha ha you remember
Oh man
He was so sad

4. We prayed to You in the season of darkness
And in Thy Mercy You showed us the light
For Pozzo was with us and in Thy Word
There is both life and death
There is both treasure and refuse
For Pozzo was with us and in Thy Word
He was both drunk and crazy
Really crazy amen

5. We bathed in Your holy waters and were cleansed
Behold the scourge of Nol did abate
Days of poison and vomit have given way
Let the water and booze come forth
What's that
Did you say swingin new nightclub
Screamin' Beakdogs CD release party
Half price dwarven rum shooters
Superman that ho

6. But in our time of joy there is sadness
Yea, rain falls on the just and the unjust
And so do bigass stone pillars
Ha ha that guy looked like a meat waffle
I realize that sounds insensitive
But if we couldn't laugh we'd cry
Ha ha ha

7. So let the good times roll, O Armok, Armok God of Blood
Your faithful children emerge from the travails
And set again to Thy holy work
Which is mashing more melons than Gallagher
Because in Thy wisdom
An army of elves showed up
Six elves and two jaguars for every
Hair on my balls amen

8. O Armok in Thy name
The blunt objects were brought together with the elf brains
In this way the axes, hammers, steel crossbow butts, bricks
And Minty's boot
Were driven through the skulls of the elves
And their brains got everywhere
Incuding the nearby trees
Ha ha zombie food tree
Also that one guy
Bit a unicorn's horn off on the gallop
That was a showstopper, O Armok, God of blood

9. Armok, You have heard our prayers
And delivered us from the poisons of Nol
We are eternally grateful
And please rain your blessings down on
Our new overseer
Panic the Pulling Randomlevers
Or whatever the fuck
Amen